70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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