when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
