i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
