You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
