go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
