Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
