my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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