I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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