why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
