Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
