HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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