hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
