It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
