I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
