i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
