For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
