bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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