So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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