one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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