here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm really busy with my period
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