Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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