Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
