it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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