a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
