Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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