I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
