I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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