i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
