if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
