I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
