How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Randomize
