you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
