Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
