if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
