fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need water and some morals
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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