I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
