i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
