my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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