I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
