its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
