got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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