Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Two words: blizzard sex
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
