Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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