Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
