We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
