I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
