I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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