If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
