I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
