Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize