I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
