Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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