There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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