ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just had sex on a roof
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
