you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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