I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
