my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
